WTF Forty – The Delusions of 40s Men
Screech…as we hear a yellow garbage dumper truck brake suddenly on the red light, throwing the grey smoke from behind on the windscreen of the black colour luxury SUV. The worried driver in his late thirties, running late to reach for his meeting, stops behind the muddy vehicle in time to avoid a collision. With his big fortieth birthday gone by a few days back, he looks away from the grey smoke in a blur to see a guy in a black jacket and ripped jeans who looks like a cooler version of him in a red colour sports bike waiting for the signal to go green. Disoriented by what he sees, he gets into a thought of how this could be him and the circumstances that made him not be the carefree dude on the bike right now.
The Indian Society: In a typical Indian family, the complex Indian societal pressures and expectations from men are fed to them since childhood. And, when we hit our mid 30’s, we realise we aren’t comparable to the women and are lagging behind them in emotional strength. But having been projected as superior from the start, we need to live up to the wrong notion. Accepting reality isn’t easy after so many years of habit consolidations, leading to feeding the very fragile “male ego”.
The Desi Dad: Post-adolescence one of the most complex close relationship that a man share is with his father. More so, in India where the father-son relationship is usually a nervous one. The reason for this is that the kids who are born during the ’80s have seen so much change in their lifestyle and their general outlook towards life is very different from their dads, who have had a very guarded childhood. This is where the disconnect starts from, and then builds on. Jumping into a career that is expected to please and make your dad proud leads to further discontent later on.
The Economical Twists: A typical Indian man faces a major part of the economic realities post 30’s, as till then, a typical Indian man mostly stays with his family, oblivious of the economic realities of running their own house. All thanks to the non — nuclear family structures. Everything seems in control until they are hit by it like a bolt of lightning. Repercussions include the need to move away to a nuclear structure due to circumstances, which further gets intensified after having kids. The pressure to match up to the ease and standards which are already set makes one postpone further and de-risk the future plans of doing things they wanted to.
The FOMO Effect: An average Indian male in his mid — ’30s is usually driven by a fear of missing out on golden opportunities, like the ones he might have missed in his earlier days. And then, social anxiety builds up, by thinking one is absent from the more rewarding experiences as compared to others. This leads to compulsive behaviour, even if it is just virtually on a social media platform which is meaningless most of the time. Fear of Missing Out or “FOMO” is mostly driven by the fear of having made the wrong decisions especially related to spending your time. This fear is not limited to a particular gender and has negative influences on people’s psychological health and well-being. Stay away from negative people; two negatives make a positive is only true in mathematics, not in life. Also, the people who are not a part of your growth must be avoided; else it sucks up a lot of your daily energy and time. You and your dreams are unique, but we all are connected as a collective humanity. Hence, there is no place for any fear of being left out.
The Fitness Regime: You have to be fit at 40 to fit in — hitting the gym is in vogue after hitting mid 30’s. And when you are working out or getting into a fitness regime; you talk a lot about it. Randomly trying to get into fitness like a whim in your late 30’s makes you create a lot of noise around it with your peers; how regular you are at the gym to the special crash diets to the coolness of running half marathons and whatnot. Sometimes being competitive makes things worse, especially causing roadblocks like slip discs to major fatalities due to overexertion and crazy diet plans. At this stage, consistent routine always works better than the intensity of the workout, and the secret code of eating right should be that of a moderate, healthy diet that is not strictly restricted. After all, fitness is not a race; it’s a journey you need to enjoy. You need to be self — motivated to be fit.
The Friends: In your group of friends, often you will see that after a certain time there would be a set of people who wouldn’t want to change and would like to have a status quo without questions. It’s important to handle such scenarios in a delicate and a quick-witted manner as you wouldn’t want to disrupt your roots and your connections with those who matter to you. Your roots are important for you to be grounded, especially when you are in your 30’s and 40’s. And, the connections are, many times, very important for an environment where you can get relentless feedback to lay the seeds for the future growth of everyone involved. But, be proactive to not hinder your own growth if there is too much push back for a particular change. You should resume the efforts if only things are getting too stagnant in your entourage, but don’t ruffle too many feathers if not many are ready for the change. Find a sweet spot for everything to work.
The Perspective: Nowadays, we see a lot of arguments in real life or WhatsApp groups over issues, divided opinions and there are many who leave the group over these differences of opinions. Discussions go out of hand many times and many things are said at the moment, appropriate or inappropriate. This is a problem of clash in perspectives. And when you are a third party in these arguments, you realise these arguments happen more due to not being able to see the issue from another person’s perspective, which follows a difference of opinion. A life hack that works is to consider or follow an equal set of opposing opinions from people on social media feeds; this helps to understand the problem from both sides.
The Surroundings: There is great power in the surroundings; as your surroundings contribute to your personality and the way you look at things around you. Your perceptions do get created and influenced by the surroundings you are in. Many times when you are seen as an oddball, you are pulled down by others in the group to come to their level so that the equilibrium of the group doesn’t change and the individual egos do not get hurt. This is also because people despise change, they do not want to change their ways of thinking. And even if there is one person who has a different way of looking at things, and tries to up the game if things are looking stagnant; this person isn’t allowed to get to the next level. It makes sense to take a break from this environment and surroundings to get your thoughts clear and prepare for the impact you are seeking. One must be comfortable in his or her skin. Sometimes, when you step back you get the desired effect on people, making them understand the importance and the point better. And also, when you step back, you know your worth in the system.
…jolted into reality from the car honking behind him, realising that the traffic signal is green already. While the carefree biker speeds away in front of him before he could know was it really the untroubled version of him on the bike or was it just his illusion of what he could’ve become if he had not dedicated these decades of his life to the balancing act and make himself fit into the race to have…What A “Fantastic” …Forty!
_______
This is an article from the book: Brick, Cement & Dotcom: the unspoken dark realities of entrepreneurship
About the Author: Deep Malhotra is the author of Brick, Cement & Dotcom. He is the co-founder of Beckfriends.com & Gemini Group: GNMV Spaces (imgemini.com). He has turned 40 this year and trying to fit in and be fit.
Instagram: deepruptive | Twitter: @deepmalhotra | Linkedin: DeepMalhotra
